Sorry

So the three “lovable oafs” on popular children’s tv show Top Gear have once again caused controversy with yet another one of their “edgy jibes” (direct quote from the bbc website that last bit)

This time it wasn’t whore killing lorry drivers or a razor sharp bit of word play on the Ferrari Speciale (needs) No this time they went too far, this time they portrayed Mexicans …. they portrayed Mexicans … as being Lazy and Feckless!

Next week chief imbecile Jezza “the ledge” Clarkson will imply that Scottish people don’t like spending money unless it is on deep fried pizzas.

I’m not defending Top Gear, a show that if it dumbed down anymore would be offensive to mongels.

A show that recently won “best factual programme” at the National Television Awards, despite it being scripted and set up to within an inch if its life.

But then again this is an awards ceremony where soap operas get declared dramas and not “nonsensical slices of abject misery”, so we’ll ignore that as well.

No this is (sort of) about public apologies and how shallow and pointless they are.

Whenever I see some politician, who has invariably been caught knuckle deep in a rent-boy, stood outside the gates to his fucking huge house, surrounded by his “loving” family saying how “sorry” he is and how “ashamed” he is at his “moment of weakness” I am always reminded of being forced to say sorry to my sister as a kid, mother fucker is just sorry he got caught.

We will all have been there as a child, you will have broken something or slapped your sibling for breaking your awesome lego creation, and in comes the angry parent (there is always one angry parent and one more laid back “leave them to it” parent)  demanding you to be sorry

“What do you say?”

Normally answered with a mumbled sorry, tucked inbetween sobs or delivered through gritted teeth when you knew that really they fucking deserved the slap/bite/kick in the shins.

You can’t make someone be sorry, no matter how many times you write to ofcom (an exercise in futility if there ever was one) No matter how “upset” Mp’ get or how many inquiries they demand (despite not having seen the show to start with)

Or if you are of an “Eastern persuasion” no matter how many effigies and flags you burn.

The person at the head of all this empty hate probably still thinks what they said was pretty fucking funny, I know I would

As an aside I would love to move to somewhere in the Middle East and open a discount Flag shop, have you never pondered where the baying mobs suddenly get obscure flags from?

Those mother fuckers must be shit hot at geography and have a frankly enviable passion about current affairs.

I honestly don’t care if some dude on the other side of the world makes a slur against the British, actually I can’t think of any situation where I would be wound up enough to fashion a life size model of someone and then go out and burn it publically.

And a flag is just a bit of material, if anything the more St. Georges flags that get burnt the less there are for pikeys to hang out of their windows.

This can only be a good thing.

I just don’t get patriotism, I don’t understand the concept of being proud of where you are born and surely that is down to fate and/or luck?

The Six Nations kicks off tonight and England are playing Wales, now I would like England to win because they can play amazing rugby from time to time, but so can the Welsh.

I want the team who plays the best to win

Just as long as we beat the French, the fucking cheese eating surrender monkeys that they are

Flatforms

Do you want to fool people into thinking you're a lot shorter than you really are?
Do you have freakishly short arms and want them to look a more appropriate length?
Do you own a pair of awesome trousers that are just too gosh darn short these days?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions then holy shit balls do I have just the thing for you!

Flatform shoes, similar in style to the much loved and greatly missed towering platform shoes of the 1970's but with a futuristic 2011 twist so mind fuckingly brilliant you'll ponder how you ever managed to live without them for this long!

Made using the finest Andalucian Yak leather and lovingly hand stitched together by peasant Welsh children these bad boys make Uggs look like those scabby black plimsolls you used to have to wear for games in the 80's. You know the ones I mean!

Using the patented and revolutionary  McVeigh design, your foot sits, safely, snuggly, soundly and safely out of sight in the "platform" of the boot, creating the illusion of more defined calf muscles, vital inches of height lost and unbelievable never seen before levels of ankle protection. Tonya Harding won't be able to do shit to you with these beauty's on!

But these just aren't some shallow fashion statement they also improve posture!
AND they reverse the dreaded "club foot" gait (a disease that was thought incurable by many leading scientists)  That wearing heelys has inflicted on an entire generation of our precious children, and we here at MSi believe that children are the future.


With all the technical jargon out of the way let me tell you what you NEED to hear!

• These fanny magnets come in a vast array of 4 colours from pimptastic black all the way through to "is that even a real colour?!" Cyan. 

• For the more disconcerting and ethical Nancy' out there they also come in a vegan friendly sustainable woodlike material (its wood) 

• They may look like a million dollars but they are a very reasonable and affordable £28.50 (each) (plus postage £50.00 to mainland Hereford, an additional £3 per mile is charged outside of the region (i.e. Hereford) ) (these fuckers aren't available in the shops) And that is a fixed price, you will not pay any less, anywhere for these, and if you do?? Well they aint the real deal, you been fucked in the ass son. 

• Gheorghe Muresan would fucking love a pair and that dude is like a real life giant

 So what are you waiting for? You know you want a pair, I know you want a pair! Buy some now!

Flatform shoes are the intellectual property of Morgan Spong Industries and its affiliate the Safeasfuck arthouse inc.

Prequels

The other day I was reading an article about wannabe destroyer of worlds Sarah Palin comparing her to Lucy out of Peanuts, not exactly a thrilling read but it passed five minutes at work, a reply to the article clumsily cast Palin in a prequel to Mad Max 3 (Beyond Thunderdome) In the Tina Turner role (Aunty Entity)

Now I can sort of see what they were trying to say and I doubt that Palin would be against blacking up, but that is a film no one wants or needs, and really a prequel to Mad Max 3 would be Mad Max 2 wouldn’t it? And that already exists.

So this got me thinking about prequels and here are a few I have pulled out of my head I think the world needs to see ...

Not Fast or Furious.

Set ten years before the first film, we follow Brian O’Connor (played with much gusto by Cole Sprouse) as he learns how to drive. Marvel as he masters the three point turn! Gasp as he stalls trying to pull out of a junction.

Will he pass or will he fail?

Live Softly

Using makeup and a cheap wig Bruce Willis yet again reprises his role as a more youthful John McClane. He is dating Holly Gennero (played by Rumur Willis) And is just starting out in the police force.

In one breathtaking scene he is accosted while trying to break up a scuffle in a bar and a young Hans Gruber (played by Cole Sprouse) knocks his hat off.

Younger Guns

The eternally youthful looking Emilio Estevez plays Billy the Kid …as a kid.

Jon Bon Jovi has a cameo riding a pony while wearing a Stetson that is too big for him

The Magical, Wondrous Adventures of Obi Wan and Qui Gon

Playing out like the bastard child of St. Trinians and Kes. George Lucas renders everything that has gone before redundant in a computer generated wankfest where the wise but cranky headmaster of the Jedi academy Mr. Yoda has a series of japes played on him by the boy Obi Wan and the rebellious 6^th former Qui.

R2D2 remains the only constant link in the ever growing gap between trilogies with his role as a dinner lady

Field of Corn

Kevin Costner stars in this epic three hour saga, He doesn’t build anything nobody comes

A day in the life of a Clerk

Dante is due in work, Randall swears a lot and we find out the real reason why Silent Bob doesn’t speak

Pretty Lady

Miley Cyrus stars as a normal every day "working girl" (whore), no knight in shining armour comes to rescue her and during the two hours running time we see her dabble with drugs, pretend to enjoy sleeping with fat sweaty old men, get anally raped and beaten up by her pimp.

All in glorious 3D!

The Dot Matrix

Keanu Reeves once again steps in Mr. Anderson’ shoes as a nerdy office worker who stays up all night playing World of Warcraft and lurking on 4chan

The Little Lords of Hazard

Cole and Dylan Sprouse star as Luke and Bo as they run amok on their bmx’ and get uncomfortable and confusing feelings about Daisy Duke (played by Katy Perry)

Any which way I want

Owen Wilson plays Philo Beddoe in an origins tale that finally explains why the hell Clint Eastwood ended up with a monkey in the first place.

Cahunt Fockers

Ben Stiller spends two hours shoe horning yet even more nonsensical “jokes” into the coffin that is Robert DeNiro’ career

Cop

Join police officer Alex Murphy, a happily married chap and a devoted father for a few months as he gets into arguments with his wife about being transferred to Detroit

The Day before the Night of the Living Dead

George Romero makes a wry social commentary without the aid of hordes of zombies

Oceans 2

George Clooney and Brad Pitt start out on their paths towards grand and elaborate crimes by holding up filling stations and mugging old women 

I think we can all agree that there is some amazing ideas there and I await the many calls from the big studios throwing money at me to get this shit done!

3D!

So I took the children to see The Green Hornet at the weekend, thoroughly enjoyed it as well, it didn’t take itself seriously, didn’t drag on, didn’t try and be all “dark and deep” and lot of things got blown up.

One slight niggle … it was in 3D.

Because it was in 3D I ended up dishing out £25 for the three of us to sit in the dark wearing stupid glasses.

There was a £2 extra charge per ticket simply because it is in 3D, I’m not sure how or why it is anymore expensive to screen something with an extra dimension.

Then a further £1 each for the Buddy Holly specs. I could have avoided this last charge by keeping the specs from previous screenings and I have learnt my lesson and kept the specs for next time.

I’m not a fan of 3D I think it is nothing more than a fad and is very limited, it adds nothing to the films themselves, infact the “best” bits of 3D feel forced and pointless.

This is demonstrated in Green Hornet when Kato flicks two beer bottle caps off and they fly “off” the screen. This happens for no apparent reason, they don’t land in the bin showing how amazing he is, he just whips them off and they land on the floor.

Sure some of the shots with bullet casings falling are nice, but do they add to the film as a whole?

No.

I think there is only one genre of film making that can fully utilise 3D cinema to its full potential and that is full on xxx proper hardcore nasty, dirty porn.

Imagine how impressive massive pearly white arcs of manfat shooting off the screen would be, perfectly round titties two stories high bouncing into the audience’s faces.

We could up the game and get a few Thai girls in to fire Ping-Pong balls towards the camera.

Chuck in a bit of scat just to get a sweetcorn studded steamer the size of a bus to drop off the screen.

Squirting, Golden showers, snowballing all in glorious detail, right there in your dirty pervert faces.

They would have to get in extra jizz moppers and everything

I think we all agree this is all far better than having the trees in avatar poke out a bit, also porn is best suited because it has no plot. Look at the Kings Speech in its piss boring 2D with its characters and plot, all we really want is massive spurting cocks poking us in the face for two hours.

This is the future of cinema and you heard it here first

Juliet, Naked

A short while ago me and the good lady wife went stateside to the large Apple, New York New York New York so good I named it thrice.

Umm anyway while milling about in the airport on the return leg of our journey I purchased a book on whim, Juliet Naked by Nick Hornby. I had read some of his others, namely About a Boy and of course High fidelity and this one is also about music (and the naked bit hinted at sexy times)

This isn’t strictly a review of the book, more a review of how the book has given me a bit of a kick in the arse.

Centred around a cult musician called Tucker Crowe and the effect his music has on people, specifically the titular Juliet and its sister album Juliet, naked with the online and obsessive.

It has been a long time since a book has resonated so deeply with me; maybe even since Catcher in the Rye a book that I thought was earth shattering upon reading it for the first time high school.

Now I am not comparing Juliet to Catcher that would be a very Duncanesque error to rush in and declare this to be the greatest book ever written.

But it has gotten under my skin, I have read it twice since first picking it up and inbetween readings I couldn’t finish anything else, I just couldn’t get it all out of my mind and not finishing books isn’t me at all.

I saw a lot of me in Duncan, one of the main characters a Crowe obsessive and a pretentious music snob, and I didn’t like it.

You can’t “win” at music, being passionate about music is one thing, rubbishing and looking down on others tastes is something entirely different.

I listen to a lot of post-hardcore and of late post-rock, my sister is going to see RnB star Rhianna while I am going to see trail of dead.

This doesn’t make me better than her (I am but that’s a different story)

I wrote a rather large piece for use on here yesterday about music, the intention was to try and explore if something being obscure made it better than something being popular and if selling millions worldwide erodes any artistic merit in your work.

In one part I compared Simon Cowell to Hitler. It was a massive pile of snobby pretentious wank, so I deleted the lot and (hopefully) took another step towards bringing a better me into the world.

Musical top trumps is a game that even if you win you end up being a loser.

Enjoy what you like, share it with others but don’t ram it down their throats. Just because you have all the B-sides, countless live bootlegs and demos doesn’t make you special or a bigger fan.

Music is an individual thing don’t sully it by being a wanker

Jesus I have turned into Jerry Springer.

I’ll end with this, what I think is one the most beautiful pieces of music I have heard in a long while

RAAAAAAAAAAAGE

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it

Voltaire said that,a long time ago and he was French.

This isn't really a bit about Kenneth Tong and the nonsense he spouts this is more about what it says (to me) about the people who are raging about him.

There is the startings of a campaign to have Mr. Tong removed from twitter, now while this may be well meant I think it is quite sinister.

Freedom of speech is something I believe to be jolly well important and a prize that should be gifted to everyone across the board. Twitter is a public forum and you are bound to stumble across things you don't necessarily like let alone agree with but does that mean it shouldn't be there?

Ken currently has 16,000+ followers two days ago he had 9000. This means that over 7000 people deliberately receive his babble  in their timeline, apparently so they can get angry at him.

I fail to understand the logic in this, disagree with what he says, argue with him, try and debate things with him (this would be kind of pointless but should be an option) But don't feed his ego.

Last night he was the third trending topic in the entire world, a lot of the tweets were angry he was trending ... yet still used his name, again what is the point in that? 

As a sidenote I'd like to say I count myself as a Big Brother fan and watched most of it right across its lifespan and until I googled him I had no idea who the mother fucker was, he was that inconsequential, leave him alone and he'll soon return to being a ex-bb loser.

A while ago a delightful "lady" called Jan Moir wrote a rather vile piece in the daily mail about some chap out of boyzone and/or westlife who had died and how it was the evils of a gay life that killed him, twitter uprose and smited her ... by increasing the daily mails web site traffic.

Most days there is a link bouncing around directing people to the latest "daily fail" people click on it get angry and steadily increase the mails ad revenue, everyone is a winner.

The last few weeks have seen people up in arms over Frankie Boyle and his late night comedy show Tramadol Nights, he enraged celebrity slagbag Jordan after "attacking" her son and was labelled a racist when the papers reported a joke he made about the media' blatant racism totally out of context.

The main complaint was he wasn't like he was on BBC' heavily edited Mock the Week a show where Mr. Boyle stood out like a sore thumb against the surrounding mediocre and bland panel.

What he said on there appeared  edgey and different but undiluted on Tramadol Nights it was too much for some folks to take.

Personally I liked it, it reminded me of Chris Morris' Jam a series from the 90's that was properly disturbing

What I am trying to say in my babbling way is people like to be outraged, they like to take the moral highground but most of the time they go about it the wrong way and end up looking hypocritical/pretentious/a mad rabble of busy bodies

If you don't agree with Tong, ignore/block  (getting him banned will make him the victim) If you don't like the daily mail don't read the fucking rag if you don't like something on the telly, don't watch it.

There is a time and a place for meaningful protest don't waste your voice on fucking idiots

I started with a Voltaire quote and I'm going to end on one 

The public is a ferocious beast. One must either chain it up or flee from it.

Thats It I Quit!

Before we really get going with this whole blog thing and I just start taking photos of Lego, I want to make a confession, I am trying to be a better person, I really am.

I’m cutting down on the blind hate filled rants about inconsequential things; for a little over a decade I have been online, starting from the humble Dreamcast and I have slowly got angrier, rantier and fouler and I’m better than that.

Well I like to think I am anyway

 I have majorly wound back my internet presence and all but retired my Edna Watkins persona, the only place “she” still resides at the moment is on the Playstation, and when I find out if I can change my name there and how to do it she’ll be no more.

This isn’t some crappy New Years resolution; this is an ongoing process that started a few months back. I’m not entirely sure what the catalyst was, there hasn’t been a sun beaming through the clouds, voice of god style epiphany moment, one day I logged on and thought “I just don’t care anymore” since then I have halved my facebook friend list down to people I actually like. 

Twitter has had a bit of a cull as well, mostly of famous people as I’m bored of the self serving “buy my book/DVD” crap.

I’m bored; I think that sums it up neatly, I am bored of going round in the same circles, having the same conversations over and over, the same arguments, the same woe is me crap coming around like clockwork.

I am done with it, it is over, I hereby tender my resignation from the internet

Well sort of, I’m still about, my twitter addiction sees to that, but I won’t be commenting on newspaper articles, on forums … I’m taking a back seat

I’m semi retiring

I’m still going to play Red Dead online because I love my Horse and I like shooting/blowing people up

And I am obviously still blogging …

And then there is Burnout you HAVE to play Burnout online, otherwise who are you racing?

Who am I kidding I love the internet me