Pine Cone Ollie

What follows is a story that I delivered by hand in a series of facebook status updates on my blackberry on my dinner hour today.
I was going to tweet them all but some are too long and I can't be arsed to break them down ...
  

if I was a tramp my name would be Whittling Bob. I wouldn't beg, I would sell twig sculptures of film stars from yesteryear to keep me in sleeping bags and strong cider

 Theo Paphitis would pass by one cold Autumn morn and see the Oliver Hardy I had crafted out of a pine cone. its simple beauty would reduce him to tears

 "I'm in" he would say between sobs while emptying his wallet into my donation hat. he would carry pine cone ollie with him everywhere to remind him of how it can all go wrong

 Duncan Bannatyne would offer Theo Paphitis his entire gym chain just to hold Pine Cone Ollie once and Theo Paphitis would look at him sternly and say "NO"

Every so often Theo Paphitis would seek me out and beg me to whittle him a Stan Laurel and I would say to him "Theo Paphitis off Dragons Den, the sculptures, they pick me"

And I would offer him the Drew Barrymore as Gertie in E.T I had fashioned out of a bit of silver birch, he would shake his head sadly and toss a few coins into my hat

Years would pass and Theo Paphitis would still come calling on my doorstep, his life now reduced to completing the much loved comedy duo Laurel and Hardy whittled out of twigs

and then one day when Theo Paphitis was a frail old man, I would motion for him to sit next to me and I would whisper into his ear, my stinky tramp breath hot against his neck

"its you, Theo Paphitis off dragons den, you're the Stan Laurel you have been searching for. you are the very first sculpture I ever made"

He would look at me with anger in his eyes but then the realisation would dawn on him, a smile would creep across his face. A single tear would roll down his cheek

he would then hug me, now sobbing like a child who has fallen over on a gravel drive. "papa" he would say "I love you"

and I would say ""I love you too my little Stan Laurel twig sculpture come to life, I love you too"

so next time you see a homeless person selling hand made sculptures out of rubbish, just think you may well be Burt Reynolds fashioned out of a dog egg