The other day I was reading an article about wannabe destroyer of worlds Sarah Palin comparing her to Lucy out of Peanuts, not exactly a thrilling read but it passed five minutes at work, a reply to the article clumsily cast Palin in a prequel to Mad Max 3 (Beyond Thunderdome) In the Tina Turner role (Aunty Entity)
Now I can sort of see what they were trying to say and I doubt that Palin would be against blacking up, but that is a film no one wants or needs, and really a prequel to Mad Max 3 would be Mad Max 2 wouldn’t it? And that already exists.
So this got me thinking about prequels and here are a few I have pulled out of my head I think the world needs to see ...
Not Fast or Furious.
Set ten years before the first film, we follow Brian O’Connor (played with much gusto by Cole Sprouse) as he learns how to drive. Marvel as he masters the three point turn! Gasp as he stalls trying to pull out of a junction.
Will he pass or will he fail?
Using makeup and a cheap wig Bruce Willis yet again reprises his role as a more youthful John McClane. He is dating Holly Gennero (played by Rumur Willis) And is just starting out in the police force.
In one breathtaking scene he is accosted while trying to break up a scuffle in a bar and a young Hans Gruber (played by Cole Sprouse) knocks his hat off.
The eternally youthful looking Emilio Estevez plays Billy the Kid …as a kid.
Jon Bon Jovi has a cameo riding a pony while wearing a Stetson that is too big for him
The Magical, Wondrous Adventures of Obi Wan and Qui Gon
Playing out like the bastard child of St. Trinians and Kes. George Lucas renders everything that has gone before redundant in a computer generated wankfest where the wise but cranky headmaster of the Jedi academy Mr. Yoda has a series of japes played on him by the boy Obi Wan and the rebellious 6th former Qui.
R2D2 remains the only constant link in the ever growing gap between trilogies with his role as a dinner lady
Field of Corn
Kevin Costner stars in this epic three hour saga, He doesn’t build anything nobody comes
A day in the life of a Clerk
Dante is due in work, Randall swears a lot and we find out the real reason why Silent Bob doesn’t speak
Miley Cyrus stars as a normal every day "working girl" (whore), no knight in shining armour comes to rescue her and during the two hours running time we see her dabble with drugs, pretend to enjoy sleeping with fat sweaty old men, get anally raped and beaten up by her pimp.
All in glorious 3D!
The Dot Matrix
Keanu Reeves once again steps in Mr. Anderson’ shoes as a nerdy office worker who stays up all night playing World of Warcraft and lurking on 4chan
The Little Lords of Hazard
Cole and Dylan Sprouse star as Luke and Bo as they run amok on their bmx’ and get uncomfortable and confusing feelings about Daisy Duke (played by Katy Perry)
Any which way I want
Owen Wilson plays Philo Beddoe in an origins tale that finally explains why the hell Clint Eastwood ended up with a monkey in the first place.
Ben Stiller spends two hours shoe horning yet even more nonsensical “jokes” into the coffin that is Robert DeNiro’ career
Join police officer Alex Murphy, a happily married chap and a devoted father for a few months as he gets into arguments with his wife about being transferred to Detroit
The Day before the Night of the Living Dead
George Romero makes a wry social commentary without the aid of hordes of zombies
George Clooney and Brad Pitt start out on their paths towards grand and elaborate crimes by holding up filling stations and mugging old women
I think we can all agree that there is some amazing ideas there and I await the many calls from the big studios throwing money at me to get this shit done!